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The Definitive Drinking Game For GOP Presidential Debates

The Definitive Drinking Game For GOP Presidential Debates

Originally published on Slant.

As we slowly crawl, hungover and sunburned, into the dog days of summer, we've reached one of the first milestones of every election season: the presidential debates. 

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Federal Election Commission papers have been filed, Super PACs have been set up, and gazillionaires have been groveled. Now is the time to zero in on the issues and pit candidate against candidate, side by side, to determine which pols have the best chance of becoming the Leader of the Free World.

But for the folks at home, presidential debates aren't just an opportunity to hear informed commentary on pressing issues that face the nation. They are also a wonderful excuse to drink heavily and get wasted on democracy.

It's what the Founding Fathers would've wanted.

This year, by an act of divine coincidence, the first in a long line of boring televised debates happens tonight, on a Monday. The real party will kick off on Thursday. Just in time for #ThirstyThursday. 

Fox News and Facebook will host both the pregame, 5 p.m. (EST), and primetime party people taking the stage at 9:00 p.m. (EST.) on Thursday.

 

There are several different approaches you can take, but all of them end in drinking copious amounts of adult beverages. Here are some saucy drinking games you can play while watching any/all GOP Presidential debates:

When Anyone Says... 

• Reagan
• Guns
• Taxes
• Hillary
• Emails
• Obama
• Socialism
• Benghazi
• One Man and One Woman
• Planned Parenthood
• Obamacare
• Liberal media
• Lamestream
• Sarah Palin

Candidate/Drink Pairings:

Select a specific candidate that will determine your drinking and compete against the rest of your friends. Here are the candidates in order of their most recent polling data:

1. Donald Trump (not attending Monday's forum)

Drink: 

Trump Winery 2014 Rosé

Finish Your Drink If You Hear: 

• Losers
• John McCain

• If Donald refers to himself in the third person  

Everyone knows that rosé is for winners, and there's no bigger weiner/winner than The Donald. Whoever picks Trump is guaranteed to be wasted by the end of this debate.

2. Scott Walker

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Getty

Drink: 

Union Jack IPA

Finish Your Drink If You Hear: 

• Unions
• Koch Brothers

This pig-roasting, Harley-riding, union-beating conservative hero is having a moment. Have a moment with him by potentially blacking out.

3. Jeb Bush

Drink: 

Busch Lite

Finish Your Drink: 

• If he speaks Spanish
• If he pronounces "nuclear" like his brother

• If he says "read my lips, no new taxes."

Crush a refreshing "Busch Latte" as you listen to this self-made son/brother of former Presidents tell people they should work longer hours.

4. Ted Cruz

Drink: 

Molson

Finish Your Drunk: 

• "Trump is right because..."

Ted Cruz is from Canada.

5. Mike Huckabee

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Getty

Drink: 

Moonshine

Finish Your Drink: 

• "Hitler"

The only thing this bass-slappin' former governor and internet pitchman loves more than God, guns, grits, and gravy, might be unnecessary and uncomfortable references to the Holocaust when pontificating.

6. Ben Carson

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Getty

Drink: 

Screwdriver

Finish Your Drink: 

• "Hitler"

Carson shares his fellow candidates' penchant for crazy talk, comparing a piece of legislation that provides access to affordable healthcare for 10.2 million Americans to slavery and Obama supporters to Nazi sympathizers.

7. Marco Rubio

Drink: 

Poland Spring Water Bottle (filled with Aristocrat vodka)

Finish Your Drink: 

• If he takes a sip of water.

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If your inebriation increases, and your sips get more like this, you're doing it right.

8. Rand Paul

Drink: 

Freedom Isn't Free IPA

Finish Your Drink: 

• "Freedom/Liberty"

The Ron Swanson of the 2016 field...

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Proves he's "down with the kids" every year at CPAC. Even if those kids exclusively wear bowties. 

9. John Kasich

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Getty

Drink: 

Yuengling

Finish Your Drink: 

• "I am just a flawed man."

  John Kasich is just like Yuengling. Boring, moderate, safe. 

10. Chris Christie

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Drink: 

Long Island Iced Tea

Finish Your Drink: 

• Springsteen reference

Granted, Chris Christie is the governor of New Jersey, and not from Long Island. But like his paired drink, he's obnoxious, unnecessary, and might pump you up for a short amount of time, but you'll feel like shit tomorrow. 

11. Rick Perry

Drink: 

Lonestar

Finish Your Drink: 

• "Oops"

Rick Perry could only remember two out of three government agencies he wanted to cut in the 2012 debates, but he's one for two on federal indictments in 2015.

12. Bobby Jindal

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Getty

Drink: 

Dulce Vida 100-Proof Tequila

Finish Your Drink: 

• "Sanctuary cities"

Tequila makes me say crazy things I don't mean. The difference with Bobby J? He actually means them ! He's jumped on the Trump Crazy Train Express and declared war on the mayors of sanctuary cities. Even his kids weren't stoked that he was running.

13. Rick Santorum

Drink: 

Sacramental wine

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Finish Your Drink: 

• "The Pope is wrong because..."

A devout Catholic who uses faith to vouch for issues when they're convenient to his agenda, Santorum needs to say a few Hail Marys to get anyone to vote for him.

14. Carly Fiorina

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Getty

Drink:

Fireball

Finish Your Drink: 

• "Job creator"

As the only woman running for the GOP nomination, Fiorina proves that she can knock back the Official Cinnamon Anti-Freeze of Bros Everywhere just like any of her male competitors. Oh yeah, and she also laid off 30,000 people when she was the CEO of Hewlett-Packard. 

15. Lindsey Graham

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Getty

Drink: 

Sweet Tea Vodka

Finish Your Drink: 

• "John McCain is my bestie."

You can just picture Senator Graham, back from the phone store, sitting on a rocking chair as a "My Darling Clementine" faintly plays in the background. 

16. George Pataki

Drink: 

Zima

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Finish Your Drink: 

• "Remember when I...?"

Remember Zima? Remember George Pataki? Yeah, you probably don't.

17. Jim Gilmore

Drink: 

Zima Lite

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Finish Your Drink: 

• "I'm here to make George Pataki feel relevant."

Jim Gilmore may get you drunk enough to inspire you to run for President. Because there aren't enough options.  

GOP Party On, Wayne

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Participate in democracy responsibly. 

Cover photo: Getty

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